Abraham Lincoln Should Have Eaten More Than One Ham Sandwich

9 Sep

I’m sitting here struggling to figure out what happened. It’s a cycle that I’m trying to break. It starts as a small stressful nagging that chips away at my psyche until I have a complete melt down. “I’m fat and I need to do something!” And like I usually do, I resolve to live a healthier lifestyle. All the while in the back corner of my mind I think, “What makes this time so different?” I do well for a week, a month, and then a couple of months. I start feeling good about myself. I become comfortable. The stressful nagging disappears and that is when I fall apart. This is where I am at right now. Trapped in the downturn of a negative cycle. I’m eating too much and not exercising.

So what is it that has started me down this path this time? I could come up with a million lame excuses. I’ve been working too much and not getting any exercise. I burn allot of calories working in my yard but my allergies have been kicking my ass so I’ve been hiding inside. When I don’t exercise I tend to eat more, and more and more.

God it’s tough to stop eating, I friggen love food! It’s an addiction. I love the taste. I love how it makes me feel. The problem is those feelings are fleeting. They are short term. When I lay my head on my pillow at night I start thinking long term, primarily about the health risks. That stressful nagging starts chipping away at my psyche. I have four young kids. “If I die my wife will kill me!”

A crack junky can eliminate crack from his or her life. An alcoholic can eliminate alcohol from his or her life. These are serious diseases that make an eating disorder diminutive by comparison. But what I’m trying to say is a food addict can never stay away from food. We have to eat to survive so I am always tempted!

I look at society around me. Americans are fat. By my extremely unscientific guesstimate I think one out of ten people in America are thin. Our generation is constantly complaining about how much work we do and how little in return we get. I think we’ve got it pretty good. I mean take a look at a picture of someone or somones (if there are more than one person, plural) from the 1860s.

They are all extremely gaunt. You know why? Everyone had to work hard for his or her food. There were no superstores with rows of neatly packaged poultry, meat or fish. Nothing had any additives or preservatives. You either had to raise that chicken or cow from birth. Or you had to sit at a pond for hours to catch a fish the size of your hand. In some cases you had to chase the animal around for a whole day or days just to kill it. Then you had to take it home, skin it and cook it. You burned millions of calories trying to gather little food that didn’t last for long.

No wonder everyone looked so pissed off in those pictures taken before the turn of the century. That and they had to sit in front of the camera for hours. That would be a long time to say “cheese”. Plus they were posed so unnaturally. Seriously, who unbuttons their shirt at the chest so they have a place to rest their hand? Or who grabs their vest at the lapels or suspenders to rest their weary arms. That takes allot of damn work. I’m sure none of those people did that, sighed contentedly and said “Now I’m ready to take my photo for twelve hours.”

I also think they might have been a little irritated because society at that time was starting to realize how ugly they were. Six weeks later they would get their Daguerreotype back  and think “I sat around twelve hours with my hand in my chest for this?” I’m blurry, my hair is nappy, my ugly beard is messy and I look gaunt because it took me three days to slaughter a pig so my family could share one ham sandwich for a month.”

My point is, we have it too easy and that is why we are fat. To remedy this I am going to stop shopping at all of the big chain grocery stores and grab a spear. I am going to hunt and cook my own food and as a result burn all of my fat away.

I gotta go, now I’m hungry for a ham sandwich…

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2 Responses to “Abraham Lincoln Should Have Eaten More Than One Ham Sandwich”

  1. Cheeky Charlie September 9, 2011 at 2:01 am #

    Hi Matt,
    I’ve just read a couple of your posts and I really like your blog. It’s irreverant and charming and self deprecating and humourous. Kudos to you for being so raw and honest.
    I think, and I hope you don’t mind me saying, it’s time you stopped giving yourself such a hard time and give the negative self talk the boot up the backside it deserves. I know that’s made a MONUMENTAL difference for me in the past year (even if I am still learning to master it.
    Take care,
    Katie

    • Matt Guise September 9, 2011 at 9:19 am #

      Hi Katie

      Thanks for reading my blog. I read yours and I love it.

      I know I need to stop with the negative thinking.

      I really don’t have a negative self image of myself but that being said I can get pretty down about my lifestyle habits.

      I have found that writing this blog has helped in two ways. 1. It helps me vent thus keeping me focused on making healthy choices. 2. I found out I like to write and it has give me hobby.

      I am going to focus on positive thoughts but I think the self deprecation is part of the humor of the blog.

      Again, glad you enjoyed it and thanks for reading. I wish you well.

      Matt

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