Teleadicto (Couch Potato)

3 Sep

Mexican Couch Potato

My wife is awesome and I suckety suck! Let’s start with me.

While listening to peppy Mexican trumpets blaring El Jarabe Tapatio and sitting comfortably next to a colorful mural of a peasant with a black moustache chopping at an agave plant , I fell apart. It was a Matt Guise food free for all at the Mexican family restaurant La Hacienda.

Let me back track a bit to the night before. I stayed up too late. What has that got to do with eating and loosing weight? Let me explain. Staying up late makes me extremely lazy the next day. I’m tired and I have no desire to leave the confines of my couch. I’m not saying I slept on the couch all day because that is impossible for a Dad of four children. But that didn’t stop me from striving to do so. This usually pisses my wife off, rightfully so, to no end. Clearly she needed help with our mini army of children but I was too busy finding creative ways to take a siesta on that pillowy softness of our sofa.

I just chuckled because I thought of an idea I might patent. Camouflage outfits for lying on a couch. Rather clothes, something comfy like a jogging suit or pajamas that match the pattern of the couch. My wife would never find me! I’m brilliant! Don’t go stealing that from me because it was my idea.

I did manage to sneak away for a few minutes in the afternoon and plant myself in that beloved love seat. This was not a good time to do so because dinner was about an hour away and my small kids needed their mid day snack.

One thing I have learned through the years is that little kids are so busy growing that they burn billions of calories each day. Calories that need replaced. So they eat something like fifty snacks a day and if you don’t feed them they melt down.

My kids were due for a feeding but I took this opportunity to hit the couch. This action caused a negative secondary action. My one and a half year old toddler started screaming his head off. Seeing that his dad was undoubtedly ignoring him he almost ripped the pantry door off the hinges in a bout of hungry frustration. His prize was a pack of saltine crackers. Which created another bout of maddening frustration because he couldn’t open the package.

My shameless fit of self-indulgence did not end there. When my son presented me with the crackers I ripped open the plastic wrap and ate them all myself. My short-term selfish satisfaction will culminate into years of therapy for my son.

When my wife realized that I wasn’t going to do a thing to help prepare dinner she ordered the kids and I to get into the minivan. “We are going out for dinner!” We piled into the family Minivan and off we went.

One basket of tortilla chips, hot salsa, three grande enchiladas and a liter of coke later I was passed out on the davenport.

Pathetic, while falling off of the (healthy eating) wagon I pissed off my wife, ignored my kids and stole food from my youngest. I’m not too proud of myself right now.

To end this blog update on a good note, I have to congratulate my wife. She recently ran a 5k run and came in third place. I’m proud of you honey. You make me want to be a better person.

That being said I am renewing my resolve. From here on out, I will get my butt off the couch and help with the kids. You inspire me to live a healthier lifestyle. Henceforth we will be awesome together and no one will suckety suck.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: