Shuffling to the Truffle

4 Aug
Truffle Shuffle

Truffle Shuffle

Ok, I have been at this “fat abolishing” thing for a few weeks now. I no longer eat meals with a portion size to feed an entire Napoleonic Army. I have started a calorie burning exercise routine that is slowly increasing in intensity. I use the word “intensity” loosely because my idea of a hard work out is shuffling away from a McDonalds lest I have a relapse.

I’m having some interesting side effects. Usually about three in the afternoon I start to have an eternal debate that sounds something like this. “Oh man I’m feeling kind of tired…I think it’s siesta time…” “No Matt, it’s only three o’clock and you need to keep working…” “I feel bloated, maybe we shouldn’t have eaten those three extra chili dogs…”

This is about the point were I unbutton the top button of my pants to make room for the chow in my belly from the solo food eating contest I had at lunch.

Then I struggle to motivate myself. “…Just two more hours, we can do this” “Well if you’re not going to let me take a nap then it’s time to take a dump…”

At this point I may flatulent or belch to relieve the pressure in my inflated tummy.

This debate goes on and on until either I pass out slamming my head into my computer keyboard or I pass out while relieving myself in the office bathroom. As you can see the productivity in my day ceases to exist.

Recently I have been eating less so the internal debate in head has been somewhat subdued. But I have noticed around three o’clock something happens to my belly.

It’s hard to describe because it is foreign to me but I believe most people characterize it as hunger. And not in a, I’m fat and I’m starving all the time hunger but a true and honest my tank is empty hunger. I relish this because to me it means my body is cannibalizing itself. And not in a Professor with a pith helmet in a big pot, on a fire with aborigines dancing around kind of way but in a healthy calorie burning kind of way. My body is using my excess fat, for fuel. Cool.

Another interesting side effect is that as the fat has disappeared I have become jiggly. Kind of like a gelatin mold. My body has become malleable and soft. I’m starting to look like a deflated balloon. I’m getting droopy man boobies. It’s like I put on a zoot suit made of skin. I’m starting to get saggy arms that you see on old ladies.

One great advantage to having all of this extra pliable, wobbly skin is that it helps me to perform the perfect “Truffle Shuffle”. This is always useful for making the kids laugh, annoying the wife and scaring everyone in the office.

If you are not familiar with the “Truffle Shuffle” I suggest you watch the movie Goonies. It’s an eighties classic, a great flick. I have provided a link to the scene in the movie where the character named Chunk performs this dance brilliantly.

So we are making progress and this is good. Before you know it I will have transformed my squishy one pack into a six, rock solid pack. And then I’ll be able to fight a Napoleonic Army instead of eating all of their food.


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