Cake is Crack!

2 Aug
Cake is Crask!

Horking on Cake

My wife’s Birthday is tomorrow. Happy Birthday Beth, you’re as beautiful as the day we met. I on the other hand, have become very round and look just a skosh less sexy. Never the less, for you, in celebration, I will be happy to wear my finest Birthday Suit. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

I feel confident in my Birthday Suit because I made an incredible FATastic breakthrough! Progress my friends. You see, my parents paid us a visit and they brought cake.

To say I love cake is an understatement. It’s my vice and my weakness. Superman has Kryptonite I have cake. Not that I am comparing myself to Superman but I do think if we got in a fight I would win by sitting on him.

When I was just out of college one of my very best friends got married. I was at the reception, having a good time, drinking a few beers and shoving plates full of cake into my face.

Never the type to let a scene of indignity go unnoticed, my Fraternity brothers decided to capitalize on my cake debauchery. They all pooled their money and bet me that I could not eat seventy-five pieces of cake in less than thirty minutes. I was broke and I love cake so I took them up on this offer. Suckers, little did they know how much I lavished cake.

I took a couple of swigs of beer and the clock started.

Now there is cake and there is wedding cake. In my experience most wedding cakes do not skimp on the frosting. Wedding cakes are pure sugar molecurely bonded together to create a shrine in loving homage to the life the bride and groom will share together.

Fifteen minutes into the carnage I gained the attention of the entire reception hall and the wedding videographer.

Yes it was caught on video and it has since been replayed for me…the shame.

Twenty minutes into the bet my friends could see that they were all about to loose their money. They began to sneak more plates of cake onto the feasting table. I kicked their asses! Everyone around the table, minus my friends, swelled into congratulatory cheers!

I was so proud of myself I downed a bottle of beer and ran to the dance floor to shake my money maker (my belly). I have no words to explain what happened. A trajectory of barley, hops, champagne, pieces of marinated flank steak, bile and cake batter flew from my mouth to the floor. It created a large pool of disgust right there for the DJ, wedding party, bride, groom, family and friends to enjoy…all caught on video. And after all of that, I still didn’t think I had a fat problem.

Today, I stand taller and a little bit less round for when my mom offered me a piece of birthday cake, I declined. It was not easy. I had thoughts of smashing my face into that festive desert even at the risk of drowning myself in a binge. I would have eaten the candles as well.

When my parents departed from us they left the cake. I still could have had a moment of weakness but no! I stood strong and flushed that bastard down the toilet! I win!

So my lovely wife we have much to celebrate! You have grown in beauty and wisdom.  And I have grown in resolve but not size. For this, and for you, I will be happy to wear my finest Birthday Suit. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

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